Bubbles [poem]

Avatar Author: Ana Cristina I am an English teacher who is madly in love with words and maybe even a fictional character or two. Read Bio

on our last night together
we went to see a movie
and visited a toy store
it was 1999
and we were on the verge
of everything
I still remember
how still that night was
the hot May air
windless
your eyes just as still
I felt a tremor
of presentiment
and laughed
to shake it off
but it clung
doglike
to my feet
at the toy store
I bought a bottle of bubbles
you smiled in response
but it failed
to reach your eyes
in the parking lot
I was pushing back
the tears
unable to escape the feeling
that the ground
was about to be ripped
from underneath my feet
I unscrewed the cap
and blew a few halfhearted bubbles
into the still night air
we watched them float
in midair
for a moment
before disappearing
into
nothingness

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Comments (9 so far!)

Average Reader Rating

  1. Avatar YodaOnCrack

    Hey there! Great emotional impact in this and the visuals are crisp and vivid. I liked the details chosen to convey true emotional impact.

  2. Avatar Emmyful

    This is absolutely beautiful.

  3. Avatar Eckhouse

    1999 was magical, wasn’t it? I’d never felt that the world was so much mine. This, like all you do, is beautifully written.

  4. Avatar kaellinn18

    I hate to be the one to rain on this one, but I know you are capable of much better. As far as I can tell, there isn’t really any structure here. The line breaks seem arbitrary, breaking up any kind of flow this piece might have. The lack of punctuation and capitalization makes it hard to tell where one thought ends and another begins.

    The content is okay, and you do have some interesting imagery. Some editing would definitely improve the readability of this piece.

  5. Avatar Ana Cristina

    Thanks, guys!

    And kaellinn18, I appreciate the criticism. I wanted the line breaks to seem abrupt, discordant really, in keeping with the tone of the piece. And I deliberately left it void of punctuation so that it would feel as though the lines were running together. I guess I’d better chalk this off as a failed experiment, though! :)

  6. Avatar Horrorfan13

    I love the emotions in this, but I sort of agree with kaellinn18. I think it worked in some places, but not all. The emotions are what stood out, so it was still effective.

  7. Avatar someday_93

    I thought this was absolutely stunning. I know everyone’s different, but I really liked this almost disjointed feel of it. Beautiful.

  8. Ahfl_icon THX 0477

    Total awesomeness. Totally got the feel of being on the verge of everything, which then sets up the heartbreak of the relationship bursting like the bubble into nothingness. Expertly crafted poem.

  9. Avatar Music-Hearted

    This is absolutely fantastic, Ana. Personally, I thought the offbeat structure was intriguing, and certainly appropriate for the poem. Great work, I got goosebumps.

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